Concept 2: Erotic Power Negotiation
The most important erotic power exchange concept is negotiation. Partners negotiate about their fantasies, feelings, needs, dreams, barriers and hidden desires. This is not the “if-I-give-this-I-get-that” type of negotiation. The objective is to exchange your feelings, barriers and fantasies in an open and honest way. Partners try to establish where they meet, how much common ground they can cover and what are absolute “no go” areas. In fact there is no other relationship that requires this much communication.
You talk about what you feel and what you experience before, after and in between scenes. NOT during a scene. Read on…
Negotiated/communicated barriers should be respected at all times. You may have doubts about whether a “DO” indeed is a do, you never question a “DON’T.” From a safety point of view: communication and negotiation prior to a scene will make sure you both understand what it is you want before you get into anything.
Structured erotic power exchange negotiation: The farm model
Not everybody is an expert-negotiator or communicator, especially not when it comes to your own inner most deep desires. Negotiation requires a bit of structure, which will make it easier for you and your (prospective) partner to talk about what you do and do not want. The Dutch BDSM Media Center years ago worked out a methodical approach for erotic negotiation, not surprisingly called the FARM-model. It is a five step sequence, that has proven to be very effective. Go through it step by step and you are likely to end up with very effective and successful negotiation:
1. What farm are we on?
Imagine the two of you will be farmers and your relationship is “the farm”. The first questions to answer are the very basics of this farm – will it be a strict role-oriented relationship or will we allow ourselves to switch roles for example? Will it a lifestyle-oriented relationship or will it be bedroom-only or just occasional kick?
2. What crops will we grow?
What “things” do we want in our relationship? Bondage, active role play, pain, mental or physical sadism or whatever. Important here is that you do not yet talk about what the two of you do NOT want.
3. What about the neighbors?
Will we share our emotions with others? Will we visit clubs and gatherings or keep it all to ourselves only? And what are the rules, when it comes to sharing things with others – will this be only talking and meeting or will we allow active play with others as well?
4. Where are the boundaries of the farm?
Where are our combined limits in general terms (for example, a full 24/7 total power exchange situation may require you to really think about the question if you want to have children, since these may not fit into such a relationship. Or, one of you may have to give up – part of – his/her job. Can your budget and career plans handle that?)
5. What crops do not belong on our farm?
Only now we are getting to what individual partners do not want – i.e. no-cross barriers and absolute no go myriad of future “maybes”.
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